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About Word Wings

Word Wings is a forum for the website Word Wings. That's where the owner, Cae, puts a couple of her poems and soon-to-be short stories.

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Feedback on your poem "Not alone"

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Feedback on your poem "Not alone"

Post by Smallhours on Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:07 pm

- just a note in general, commas are needed to not confuse the reader by messing up the rhyme pattern. there are many unneccessary capital letters due to this.
- I noticed that until the fourth stanza this rhyme pattern stops:

blank
A
A
blank
^should be kept consistant throughout the entire poem and try to make the first and last setence of each stanza rhyme as well Smile

----------------------------------
"With passion comes joy
And with fear comes pain
Even though the world again
Has come this way"
- The first stanza, the "and" in the second sentence is not neccessary.
- comma after joy
- the thirdth and fourth sentences didnt make sense. The world has come again through a way of fear and pain?
--------------------------------------
"Time goes on, life restores
Itself and all that it has known
I might not have ever grown
Had you not been here"

It should go somethng like:

"Time goes on,
life restores itself
and all that it has known.
I might not have ever grown
Had you not been there"
----------------------------------
"Chances vanish
With the wind
Now I know where I have been
Watching the sun"

^ The last sentence doesnt make sense.
^ This is where the rhyme pattern stops. "wind" and "been" dont rhyme(though its close!). it should be:

"Chances vanish with the wind
Now I know where I have been
Watching the sun"
----------------------------------
"Until now, I have not seen
That someone’s watching
Over me and filling
My life with love"

^ it seems you are forcing things to rhyme. it should go something like this:

"Until now, I have not seen
That someone’s watching over me,
and filling my life with love."
----------------------------------
"With passion comes joy
And with fear comes pain
But now, I have a life to play
Because we’re not alone"

^ the last sentence of this stanza is somhow vague. It leaves the reader thinking that it should be more detailed.
^ again, forcing two sentences to rhyme. the poem as a whole should be fluent anc consistant. It should go something like this:

"With passion comes joy,
and with fear comes pain.
But now I have a life to play
because we’re not alone."
----------------------------------

Poems dont need to rhyme. Like the rest of your poems which were good(specially "one question") regardless of not following a rhyme scheme. I look forward to reading this again Smile

Smallhours

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Re: Feedback on your poem "Not alone"

Post by Cae on Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:12 pm

I wrote this as a kind of weird-ish poem, with a meaning but not always making sense.

And yeah, this isn't one of my favorites ~ "One Question" is better, like you said. But I hadn't written any poetry for a long time before this {in fact I'd written hardly anything at all,} and I just needed to write something.

Thank you for the critique and suggestions! I'll be sure to put up a revised version.
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Cae
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Re: Feedback on your poem "Not alone"

Post by Cae on Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:25 pm

I've revised it and decided to leave the last stanza the way it is. The only edit to it is commas. However, all the other stanzas have been edited, and you can see the revised version on the Poetry page of Word Wings!
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Re: Feedback on your poem "Not alone"

Post by Smallhours on Mon Aug 03, 2009 8:31 pm

Thanks for the comment at my guestbook.

Ok, im still not sure about the revised version since not much was changed.

"Even though the world, again,
Has come this way"

Same issue as i previously stated. Plus no need for comma before and after "again"

"Time goes on, life restores
Itself and all that it has known
I might not have ever grown,
Had you not been here"

Again, same issue as in my first post. No comma after "grown." and no capital on "Had"

I dont want to go in detail, but i suggest breaking the rhyme pattern from the poem. Smile

best regards,
Nicolas

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Re: Feedback on your poem "Not alone"

Post by Cae on Tue Aug 04, 2009 2:29 pm

Thanks for your help!
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